The Failure Files: When Self-Sacrifice Goes Too Far

Digging deep into our failures is an exercise in discomfort. As mentioned in my first entry for The Failure Files, to learn from our failures requires us to deeply examine them in order to learn from them. The more I dig, the more uncomfortable I become. This week I explore self-sacrifice.

I recently found a note from 1997 in which I outline several steps to become a better person. I remember being inspired by Benjamin Franklin’s Thirteen Virtues, written in 1726, to write my own version. Twenty years later, however, my revision demanded excessive self-sacrifice and limitations. None of which would be healthy for anyone. It makes me cringe to think I had considered these back then. Too bad I didn’t keep the list. I’ve come along way in those 22 years!

In my youth, I liked being the one people looked to for help and solutions when life was in turmoil. I could feel others’ stress when they were near and wanted to avoid it. As a result, I helped however, whenever I could, to make their stress go away so I would no longer feel it. Unfortunately, it became a bad habit I enabled and they exploited. Then, when I recognized the trap I put myself in, I backed off from immediate assistance. All the sudden, I was labelled “selfish”. Avoiding that label became a weakness. The result: I was taken advantage of. Repeatedly.

Too Much Self-Sacrifice

Failure #1: Spreading myself too thin/too much volunteering. For a long stretch of time, I volunteered for 9 causes. Only one was fun, the rest were guilt-induced by other people or entities. Every time a request came my way, I responded. Because of my good girl status and discomfort around negative vibes, I didn’t want to rock the boat. Unfortunately, the cost benefit analysis was too high. My time, energy, and well-being suffered.

Recovery: Limit volunteering. Avoid guilt and peer pressure.

Today, I rarely volunteer and when I do, it is only after serious self-examination and availability. I never give a response right away and let myself and the person requesting my time a day or two to thoroughly examine the situation. Just because I was asked on the spot doesn’t mean I’m the ideal person for the task. It also does not require an immediate response. If there was pressure to provide an immediate answer, my answer would be no.

Lessons Learned

• Examine the request.
• Ask yourself if this is something you truly believe in.
• Ask yourself if this will enrich your life or stress you out.
• The selfish label is often tossed out because the other person doesn’t want to do “it” themselves. Avoid the selfish trap.
• Stand up for yourself.
• Let go of guilt.
• Ignore peer pressure. You are no longer in high school.

You are entering a phase in life where you have freedom to create the life you want. Use this opportunity to make everything you do valuable and meaningful to who you are and your pursuits. Any activity you pursue must enrich YOUR life, not drain or guilt you.

Keep in mind, not everything will advance you as a person or a professional. When it comes to professional activities, be cautious that it doesn’t drain your energy budget as well as your financial budget.

What self-sacrifice battles do you struggle with?

Kristen